How to Be a Jane Austen Heroine

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a girl in possession of good taste, must be in want of a constant stream of Jane Austen adaptions to meet her needs for pretty girliness. However little known the feelings or views of such a reader may be on her first entering a film blog, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the film blogger, that she is considered as the rightful author of some one or other of her pointless "How to Become" guides.
"My dear reader," said the blogger to the reader one day, "have you heard that I've written a guide to becoming a Regency period movie heroine at last?''
The reader replied that she had not.
"But I have," returned she; "for I thought there was a need for that here, and I will tell you all about it."
The reader made no answer.
"Do not you want to know how to become such a heroine?" cried the blogger impatiently.
"You want to tell me, and I have no objection to hearing it."

Okay sorry, I'll stop.

Step One: Be beautiful. Even if you are described in the novel as being "barely tolerable" or that your "bloom of youth" has left you, this is a movie so you are pretty.

Step Two: Pretty dresses. Wear them. Hats too. Better start practicing your complicated curly updos as well. Oh, and tea. Drink it.

Step Three: Read, and be spunky. You may not be the best musician or painter or the most poised and well mannered young woman, but you know your Shakespeare and your laugh is infectious and you walk through mud and that makes you charming as hell, lady!

Step Four: Don't be a great judge of character right away. Handsome stranger seems too good to be true? He probably is. We call that a Wickham and we get AWAY from that nonsense. But for a while, believe everything he says, fall for his charms, and let him distract you from your true knight in shining armor.

Step Five: Get your man! The RIGHT one. The one that was there all along and was probably kind of a dick but only because he couldn't handle his feelings. No making out until after you're married, though. And try not to lose your sense of fun and adventure, and walking through mud and all that.

How To Be Dee Dee (aka Annette Funicello)

Dee Dee (played by Annette Funicello in the beach party movies) is a fun-loving girl who can often be found hanging out at the beach with her friends. In honor of our darling Annette, I'd thought I'd write up this little how-to so you can bring a little carefree beachy-breezy style into your own life!

Step One: Oh I'm sorry, did I say carefree? I meant that you'd better have your big teased sprayed 60s hair on, beach or no beach!

Step Two: That goes for makeup too. You'd better be wearing it!

Step Three: Thou shalt not wear a bikini. EVER. You are allowed one tiny strip of skin and a wee bit of cleavage. That is all.

Step Four: Dee Dee is always up for a challenge. Try something that scares you a little, like sky diving! It'll be a great story to tell later, if nothing else!

Step Five: Brush up on your performing skills. You may need to break into song at any moment. And make sure you know the Rock-a-Cha!

Step Six: Be pointlessly jealous of the girls around your boyfriend. Wait around patiently for him to finish flirting with whatever new girl comes along, and be there for him when he decides to come back.

You know what? Screw that. You're too good for him, Dee Dee! I say you leave Frankie's ass in the sand and go hang out with your girlfriends. You don't need that slob!

And try all you want, but you just won't reach this adorable perfection. 

R.I.P. Annette

How To Be Melanie Daniels

I went to a screening of The Birds on Wednesday night, and was once again entertained by the somewhat icy and amusingly unlikeable daddy's girl Melanie Daniels, played by Tippi Hedren. She has her redeeming moments, of course, but mostly I just enjoy sniggering at her antics. So you want to be just like her, right ladies? Here's how!

Step One: You've got to dress the part. Chic green suit, fur coat, flawless updo. I'm kinda crazy about this green/gold version, and here's a pretty fabulous fur coat to top it off! Add some shiny peach nailpolish on those talons of yours and you're good to go!

Step Two: Pretend you work someplace you don't. In this case, a bird shop. Who cares if it's obvious to anyone with a brain that you have NO idea what you're talking about? And while you're at it...

Step Three: Lie about everything. Who you know, why you're in town, everything. Don't worry, your guy will think it's adorable when you finally come clean.

Step Four: Stalk men you just barely met. Copy their license plate number, find out their name, address,  members of their family, and drive all the way over to their family home just to drop off some lovebirds. In fact, go ahead and let yourself into his house. He won't find it weird at ALL.

Step Five: Try to make better choices. Have birds been attacking? Do you hear the rustling of feathers in an upstairs room? Do you need to go investigate by yourself? No. No you do not. But if you REALLY want to be Melanie Daniels, be my guest. Just make sure you remember how to exit a room you just entered...just in case.

Step Six: Try to avoid birds altogether. There's absolutely NO REASON for you to stick around in case birds start swooping at your face trying to kill you.  Go back to San Francisco, you crazy dame!

How to be a Psychotic Girlfriend

Normal girlfriends are soooo boring and forgettable. Want to be memorable like the lovely ladies of Play Misty for Me, Fatal Attraction, etc? Throw in a little psycho, with a dash of desperate, and you're gold. Here are some helpful tips!

*Have kinky sex with him. You've got to hook him somehow, and what better way than through his pants?

*Call him. Again. Maybe he's not home. Why else wouldn't he answer? Doesn't matter. Call him again. And again. And again. And again...

*Declare your undying love. Remember that time he told you he loved you? No? Well, it was implied. Tell him you love him and that NOTHING WILL KEEP YOU APART.

*Steal his keys and make copies for yourself. I'm sure he won't mind.

*Show up unannounced, everywhere. His work place, his job interviews, his house. He likes surprises, right? RIGHT??

*Kill his pets. Or his housekeeper. Or just take a knife and slash all his stuff. It's his fault, anyway!

I'm going to stop you right there. I'm not going to tell you to slash your wrists or actually kill anybody, ESPECIALLY his current girlfriend. As soon as you go after the girlfriend/wife/whatever, you will get shot in a bathtub or punched off a cliff. No, really.

But hey, at least they'll make movies about you!

Let me know how it goes!

How to Be Max Fischer

Max Fischer (played by Jason Schwartzman in the film Rushmore (1998)) is quite the cool kid, in his own weird little way. Here's how to be more like him...which is what you want, right? Of course you do.

Step One: Dress the part. Max doesn't just look like he belongs at Rushmore Academy, he looks like he runs the place. Navy blazer, smart tie, red beret...it's a classic look. Apparently others have the same idea...click here for a whole bevy of Fischer-inspired outfits via Polyvore!

Okay, some of the outfits are in fact about MOUNT Rushmore, not the film. Whatever.

Step Two: Learn Latin! Or better yet, save it!

Step Three: Get involved! Max is the editor of the yearbook, publisher of the Yankee Review, president of the French Club, represents Russia in the Model United Nations, vice-president of the Stamp & Coin Club, captain of the debate team, manager of the lacrosse team, president of the Calligraphy Club, founder of the astronomy society, captain of the fencing team, participates in track and field, 2nd chorale choirmaster, founder of the bombardment society, is a yellow belt in kung fu club, founder of the Trap & Skeet Club, president of the Rushmore Beekeepers, founder of the Yankee Racers, and the director of the Max Fischer Players. What the hell are you doing with YOUR free time?

Step Four: Apologize and forgive. Max isn't perfect by any means, but he knows when he's been a jerk. He even offers a part in a play to his sworn enemy. What a guy!

Step Five: Be a badass. When you DO need to be a jerk, make sure you're a badass about it. You know what I'm talking about.

Remember: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you.

How to be Tracy Turnblad

Ladies (and gents, hey, we're open-minded)! Looking for some cinematic inspiration to spruce things up? Look no further than Tracy Turnblad.

Tracy Turnblad of the movie(s) Hairspray (1988 and 2007) is one of my favorite movie characters. She's confident, she's spunky, and she's a lot of fun.

So, here we go!

Step One: The movie is called Hairspray for a reason. So backcomb that hair! The higher the hair, the closer to God. Tracy got in trouble in class for having hair too high, and that's not a bad reason to get sent to detention! Here is a great tutorial on how to properly backcomb without ripping all your hair out! Also, never say never to wigs. ;)

Step Two:  Tracy is a forward thinking girl. In modern translations, fashion-wise, this means being unafraid to try new looks regardless of what's in. Since everything old is new again, we have a lot of modern versions of 1960s dresses to choose from! Yay! My favorites are here, here, and here. For a true vintage look, there's always Etsy!

Step Three: Dance dance dance! Tracy loves to shake her stuff! The 2007 Hairspray DVD includes two dance tutorials (couldn't find them on YouTube, boo!) However, I did find this gem (HAHA!) and I had to share it.

Step Four: Throw away your scale. If Tracy can love and appreciate her "pleasantly plump" body like she's a swimsuit model, you too can love yourself at any size.

Step Five: Stand up to bullies! Tracy stood up to bullies of every kind, marched in protest marches and even got arrested in her fight for racial integration! So be a hero and stand up for yourself and your fellow man! And woman. You don't HAVE to get yourself arrested if you don't want to. *wink*

Go! Feel inspired!