Monday, March 25, 2013


Dear Hollywood Film Executives,

Long time fan, first time complainer. Like most Americans, I love to spend my hard-earned cash on seeing your movies in theaters while eating overpriced popcorn as well as buying every edition of certain movies on DVD and Blu-ray. Also, like many Americans, I love comic books and comic book movies. There is just something so fun about watching grown men and women run around fighting crime in suits made of iron or costumes that would put most fetishists to shame. Yet, as much as I love these movies you turn out, I have a beef with you — and it's a big one. Let me cut to the chase: Stop making comic book and superhero movies grounded in reality!

Wow, I feel so much better getting that off my chest. I will readily admit that I love the Christopher Nolan Dark Knight trilogy, but only so far. Those movies got a lot right where the Tim Burton/Joel Shumacher films got a lot wrong. Yet of course, where Nolan nailed Bruce Wayne as a man with personal issues, Burton and Shumacher succeeded in bringing big, bold comic book worlds to life on the silver screen.

When I read a Batman graphic novel, I love seeing the Dark Knight take on a psychotic mass murderer like the Joker or Victor Zsasz who are both grounded in a certain amount of reality. At the same time I also love seeing him grapple with Mr. Freeze, Solomon Grundy or Poison Ivy, who are characters so removed from reality it makes them a blast to read about.

Batman can have a dash of reality now and then, but think about it: he's a grown man running around dressed as a giant bat. Does no one in Gotham ever put two and two together, that the Caped Crusader has all the goods and equipment only a billionaire could buy? Yeah, that's real realistic. Now we have the upcoming Superman movie produced by Nolan, which you are so proud to tout as grounded in reality. Really? What the fuck Warner Bros.? Have any of you execs ever actually read a Superman comic? 

When Richard Donnar's Superman came out in 1978, it remained true to the comic's spirit and tone. And you know what? I freakin' believed a man could fly! When I see the trailer for this new film, with all its colors washed out, it feels like yet another Nolan Batman film. You know what it doesn't feel like? A Superman movie! At its most basic, the contrast between Batman and Superman is dark and light. Therein lies drama.

What it comes down to is this: we go to the movies to escape for a few hours. We read comics and novels and play video games for the same reason. We want to get away from reality — so please don't make our superheroes more real. I mean, how can anyone take a man in a cape and tights, flying around the world at super-sonic speeds, all that seriously anyway?

I recall reading a few years ago about the prospects of a Lobo movie. A larger-than-life, cosmic road movie about a space-faring bounty hunter? I was 100% on board. But no, instead the script called for him to be stuck on Earth. Really? Give me big, give me spacey (and I'm not talking Kevin). For the love of Christ, give me ridiculous!

In conclusion: I think the world needs a little more comic book in their comic book movies. Unless we're talking about a Stray Bullets or Criminal movie, let's try to keep things bold and brassy. Ya know, Texas-style!

I thank you for your time and for taking my money.

-Colin (The Devourer of Worlds)

P.S. If you ever make and fuck up a Madman movie, I will give you all such a pinch.

P.P.S Thanks for also getting Hellboy and Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World right.

P.P.P.S. Keep watching the screens.

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